Archive for September, 2011

MRI

Posted: September 20, 2011 in brain cancer awareness, developments, treatment

image courtesy of Lewis center for Neuro Imaging http://lcni.uoregon.edu

(the person pictured above is not me) 🙂

photo courtesy of Lewis Center for Neuro Imaging

I had my MRI done last Saturday at St. Luke’s Q.C. Its a one hour session. If you’re claustrophobic, you won’t like it. The tube is so small that you’ll think that its caving in on you. I don’t mean to scare but that’s just how it feels when you’re reeled in. The room is cold,the MRI machine is cold and noisy. You lie on your back, and for an hour or more(depending on the body part that will be MRI-ed) and you’re not allowed to move. Oh and you’re strapped in the bed to prevent you from moving. You’ll be given ear muffs to help with the loud noise and a panic button in case claustro kicks in. Good thing is Nina was allowed to be beside me during the session. When the session starts you’ll here a lot of different construction-like noise, sometimes star trek-like noise as if you’re engaged in inter-galactic dog fight. That’s my cue to start my prayers, to take my mind off claustro, boredom and to ask HIM for good results. Got the results yesterday from my doctor, well, the result was same as last time, the tumor is still there but at least it did not multiply and it didn’t grew bigger. I said “thank God!! I’ll take it!” another good news is : no more chemo yet, i will be monitored via MRI every 3mos. I will also be taking a supplement to improve my immunity (Zilongjin). Please let me know if you’ve heard of it. Still, i’m begging for your prayers for complete healing. Thank so much for the support in whatever form, to you who’s reading this, you’ve helped extend my stay here on earth 🙂 salamat!

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Posted: September 13, 2011 in brain cancer awareness, random entries

someone once asked me “how am i doing?”  for someone who doesn’t have cancer you just take whatever the response is, but you don’t really get how it really is.  i used to be that person, outside looking in. now its the opposite, when i heard that question, all i can utter was, “difficult”. difficult in many ways physical, mental, emotional, financial and so on.

physical there would be days when you just dont want to get up, your body tells you to slow down but i wont. because i want to play with my kids as long as i can til i am here, because nobody knows. i still get up to go to work, because there are bills medicines, treatments and debts to pay. i still get up because i want my wife and my family to know that i appreciate them even when i don’t look like it, even when at times i feel i’m a heavy burden. i can’t help but think sometimes. i still get up because i dont want to give up, its not an option! its been a long fight, not sure where i am exactly but i pray that i am getting there.

mental, there would be times that i get scared, scared that i might not wake up the next day, talk to my kids or kiss my wife, my life feels and is, in fast forward. you don’t see it in me but i am. you only see the smiles and the laughter that i can muster but deep within i’m scared as a child.  scared that i might not be there when my kids grow up, get married, have children.  i just thank God every single morning that i wake up and feel the air fill my lungs.

emotional,  i never tear up after communion, i never used to cry when i pray, i guess when you’re praying for extension….   there would be times that i cry for no reason when i am just watching my kids play together. fight over a toy they both like, watch them sleep.  when they give me a hug  and a kiss for no reason.

financial, cancer in whatever form is a rich man’s disease. it will really drain you dry. sometimes i just notice myself staring blankly and ask…why me?

jolo: daddy are you still sick?

me: (can i say no?)