someone once asked me “how am i doing?” for someone who doesn’t have cancer you just take whatever the response is, but you don’t really get how it really is. i used to be that person, outside looking in. now its the opposite, when i heard that question, all i can utter was, “difficult”. difficult in many ways physical, mental, emotional, financial and so on.
physical there would be days when you just dont want to get up, your body tells you to slow down but i wont. because i want to play with my kids as long as i can til i am here, because nobody knows. i still get up to go to work, because there are bills medicines, treatments and debts to pay. i still get up because i want my wife and my family to know that i appreciate them even when i don’t look like it, even when at times i feel i’m a heavy burden. i can’t help but think sometimes. i still get up because i dont want to give up, its not an option! its been a long fight, not sure where i am exactly but i pray that i am getting there.
mental, there would be times that i get scared, scared that i might not wake up the next day, talk to my kids or kiss my wife, my life feels and is, in fast forward. you don’t see it in me but i am. you only see the smiles and the laughter that i can muster but deep within i’m scared as a child. scared that i might not be there when my kids grow up, get married, have children. i just thank God every single morning that i wake up and feel the air fill my lungs.
emotional, i never tear up after communion, i never used to cry when i pray, i guess when you’re praying for extension…. there would be times that i cry for no reason when i am just watching my kids play together. fight over a toy they both like, watch them sleep. when they give me a hug and a kiss for no reason.
financial, cancer in whatever form is a rich man’s disease. it will really drain you dry. sometimes i just notice myself staring blankly and ask…why me?
jolo: daddy are you still sick?
me: (can i say no?)